self hate

It’s been a year since our dog died and other things have happened, some good, some bad, mostly depressing. Physically I went way off the deep end especially from September to January. Holy shit, it’s like my body decided to stop pretending to get better and said “fuck it, I’m a middle aged man now and I’m gonna have high cholesterol, have a fucking gut, run slow, be weak and inflexible, have a heart attack in ten years, suffer from congestive heart failure and or a pacemaker in twenty years because my heart just fucks off now, and possibly have a few more life-altering injuries within that time.

So now what? Unlike other people who want to kick themselves in the ass, etc. and are all hopeful and self-loving and shit, I’m gonna put it out there that I hate myself and what I’ve become, physically and mentally. I admit it, I’m a fucking disaster and even though there is so much to hate right now, fuck it, I’m going to internalize all of it.

It’s like looking into the mirror and saying “fuck you, you fucking slob, I never want to see you again, you fucking before picture!”

I’m doing this self-hate routine for thirty days as part of my “diet and exercise”. I borrowed a fitbit and the little pink fucker believes I’m burning 3000 calories a day. My gut and weight tells me that either I’m eating 4000 a day, someone is fucking lying, or both.

So yeah, fucking diet. 1500 cals 20/30/50 is pretty slim, but shit, eating cookies and drinking beer along with all the other healthy foods ain’t working. So this is the price I have to pay. It’s about 1000 calories more than what someone would get in a POW camp, so really, I shouldn’t complain.

Also, I looked into cognitive behavioural therapy. It’s neat, really it’s about slowing your shit down and writing it out when you get into really negative, unproductive thought patterns. See? I’m doing that shit right now. Do I feel better? Nope. But I do feel a little more driven, so there is that.

Anyway, time to make my final food for the day. Chia, flax, nuts and almond milk. It’s pretty decent and 400 cals.

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